12/21/05
The 2005 News That Wasn’t

Tri-O's oddities, observations, and opinions
by Herb Kandel


As the year comes to an end and will soon be reviewed there was some news that may have escaped you. While the headlines hollered hurricanes and the TV told the tales of the tsunami other events were taking place. Nothing that will change your world but interesting in their own way. They might have been buried on page 26 or used as filler on the local channel but all the following did happen this year.
An enterprising man in Nebraska auctioned off the use of his forehead for advertising space. He received $37,375 from the eBay ad to advertise a remedy for snoring . Its logo was temporarily tattooed there for one month. Lest you think he had no restrictions: he refused to be the billboard for any message or product considered tasteless. Now that’s what I call class.
A Nashville motel owner was irked over dope smoking in his establishment. The neighborhood was known for its seediness. So the motel posted “No Pot Smoking” signs in the rooms. The owner says he's trying to clean up their image. He also said that if his patrons object to his new rule, well, that’s too bad. In other words they can get the joints out of his joint. Perception is everything.
NYPD arrested a man who allegedly complained about restaurants where he felt the service was poor or he had been served bad food, by spaying graffiti on their exterior. After six months and over 60 spray- paintings he was caught. Targets included pizza places and Chinese take-outs. When confronted with photographs of his targets, he asked for copies as souvenirs. The police declined. Everybody’s a critic!!
There’s going to be more ugly fish in Alabama. The garfish, otherwise known as a “junk fish” or “trash fish”, is slender, long, and not too handsome a species (except to another garfish, I suppose) received a new lease on life. A bill was passed to repeal a 1943 law requiring fishermen who catch it to kill it rather than release it back in the water to be caught again. So, all ye fisher folk, no more coup d’étating this scaly denizen of the deep. The Alabama House Representative sponsor also wanted to repeal from the constitution the law that requires the Legislature to regulate dueling. Does this mean we can’t spear garfish anymore? Touché, and foiled again!
Be nice to your server. In a Taco Bell in Salt Lake City the order taker pleaded guilty to one count of credit card fraud. It seems the 21 year old double-swiped the credit cards of customers who gave him a hard time and has been sentenced to probation and six months in jail. Let the chips fall where they may.
It happened in Northern France. The man was wearing a suit and tie and said he worked for the car dealership. The truck driver, who was unloading the cars, said the man offered to drive the Ferrari into the showroom. He believed him. Mon Dieu! The dapper deceptor then waved adieu as he sped off. One would call that a very grand auto theft. Oui?.
It was a $95,000, 130,000 pound-plus birthday cake registered with the Guinness Book of World Records created to celebrate Las Vegas’ 100th birthday, and the city thought the baker was donating it. But, NO.! Sara Lee said they agreed only to deliver it at a discounted price. Tons of the layered leftovers went to pig farms. A prime exception of having your cake and eating it too, albeit second hand.
The robber was just a plain Joe with a big nose. That was the description given by the gas station attendant. It was enough to catch him. And just when you thought Jimmy Durante kicked the bucket they dragged him back again!
Beware the naked tickler in New Smyrna Beach, Fla.. After breaking in he tries to feather tickle the feet of sleepers , most of whom are women over 60. There have been five similar, unsolved cases since 2001 and in July he struck again. Police don’t have much to go on except to listen for things that go “hee-hee” in the night.
And how many of us knew that today, December 21 has been declared . . . . Look At The Bright Side Day, National Flashlight Day, National French Fried Shrimp Day, and Hamburger Day ?
Now, just to be on the safe side, here’s wishing you a Merry _______ , or Happy ______ (you fill in the blanks). We anxiously await the 2006 tidings.