1/16/08

Some of the sum of parts

Tri-O's
Oddities, observations, and opinions
By Herb Kandel

Some say it was Aristotle who originated the phrase “the whole is greater than the sum of its parts” while others attribute it to the Gestalt School of Psychology. Regardless of where it came from, the epitome of this virtual cliché is my longtime friend Dan (all names changed).

He got me thinking about it when he asked for my opinion, which in itself is unusual for he has so many strong ones of his own. Last week I found him sitting with a far away look in his eyes, you know the kind where someone seems to be drifting to a place other than the here and now.
“Dan, is something wrong?”
“Do I look different to you?” he asked back.
“Other than your shirt with the buttons in a button hole one above where they should be, no. Why do you ask?”
As he re-aligned his shirt buttons he said, “This morning Stella (his wife) said I didn’t look like myself. She said I appeared somewhat peaked, more pooped than usual. And I got to thinking, maybe it’s about time that some parts of me started the aging process, too.”
“What do you mean by that?” was my snappy reply.
Whereupon he vented, “I got to thinking that from the time I open my eyes in the morning, I see through new lenses that took the place of my cataracted ones. Then I leveraged myself from bed to a sitting position with a repaired shoulder rotor cuff. I stood up braced on my artificial knees, balanced by my ceramic hips, and straightened a fused spine where a herniated disc once was. Afterward, I used a long handled shoehorn to put on a pair of slip-on orthotic shoes for my flat feet.
“Stella had the TV playing but I could not see or hear it clearly until I inserted my contact lenses and hearing aids.“I shaved using my carpal tunneled hand, which left a few nicks on my face. Then I combed my Rogaine-enhanced hair, touched up with Just for Men, before crunching my breakfast cereal with a set of teeth that has several bridges, silver fillings, and a gold crown.
“My pacemaker jolted me with a kick in the chest when it got my ticker back in sync again. I was now ready for the day.
“So I ask again: Do I look any different?”
I knew about some of Dan’s ailments and tried not to look stunned by the anatomy inventory recitation.“Dan,” said I, “I think you are a walking wonder. Not only have you survived all those procedures and are able to function near normal but just think of all the possibilities you present both now and in the future. When you become frustrated, you can truthfully declare that you were ‘beside yourself,’ or that you’re not ‘feeling like yourself.’ If you were to be cremated, you would not be able to fit into a standard urn, but you would become a treasure-trove to a used prosthetic collector.
“All joking aside, I do believe you are the living proof that the whole IS more than the sum of its parts. For without some of the parts provided by modern medical technology, you may not have still been here. Just think of a bunch of microchips, circuits, wires, transistors, and batteries — all by themselves they are junk or less, but put together properly they can be a computer, a GPS, an MP3 player, or a Bill Gates. So like the old song says, consider yourself fortunate “to be in the condition your condition is in.”
“I guess you’re right,” he said thinking it over. “And I’ll walk you back to your car as soon as I shake off this restless leg syndrome.”


http://www.baldwincountynow.com/articles/2008/01/16/columnists/doc478d20e08f780487991213.txt

1/5/08

Dear Santa - belatedly

Tri-O's Oddities, observations, and opinions
By Herb Kandel


Not too many folks know it but Santa receives letters all year long not just the approaching Christmas season. Oh, he too sometimes runs late. That is why the “After Christmas Sales” were established (also those cards and gifts labeled “belated”). This year was no exception. Want to see some of the ones Santa received after December 25th and how he responded? Let’s peek through the open flaps:

Dear Santa, Sorry to be late this year, I was kind of busy checking Obama’s wish list he made in 3rd grade. The crayon markings were smudged so it took more time to interpret than I expected. Do you know that he wanted to be POTUS ( President of the United States) almost before he was POTTY trained? I think ambition is a good trait to have but not when it becomes an obsession. All I want this coming year is to win a few caucuses. Iowa and New Hampshire would be a nice start. If you could just help me to keep Bill from internalizing his desires (and vice versa), for my election and let him just keep focused on being becoming First Laddie (his choice of title), I would love you even more than I do my new found cleavage. Oh, yes, and forget about all those high viewing ratings I wished for Oprah last year (who wants a president with the initials B.O. Anyway?) (signed) HRC

Dear Hillary, It was nice hearing from you again. You wrote to me last year when you were up for re-election but the time before that was in 2000, the first time you ran for senator. Are you just using me? To quote Don Imus, “Ho, ho….just joking“. A few of your opponents got their lists in before you, sorry to say. John Edwards traded in his comb and brush for an additional watch so he could keep time with each America. Bill Richardson got in early too. He made double sure I received his message by pressing ‘2’ for Spanish. Joe Biden said he wasn't concerned about transplanted foreigners as long as no one interfered with transplanted follicles. Barack Obama was the earliest bird who asked that a “skinny, tall kid, whose ears stick out” (who remained nameless) not be left behind when votes were counted. But being benevolent to all, I say, “We shall see” (or should that be "Si“?) (signed) Santa

Dear Santa, I know I'm late but, shucks, a fella can't be everywhere driving an old red pickup and diapering a baby too. You know I gave up Hollywood “Law & Order” to try fixin’ universal law and order. This is one ole’ Tennessee boy who may start out last and slow but sure don't want to segue to fade after the close-up. Sure, Rudy boasts of his management skills on 9/11, McCain his ’Nam imprisonment, Mitt his business acumen, and Huckabee his humble beginnings, but name me the only candidate who has the complete set of Jack Daniel’s commemorative decanters from 1913 on? That’s right, Santa, this Bubba respects the maven of moon shiners. Now I'm not asking for any special favoritism in the voting but I also came from a poor background and worked myself up the monetary ladder as a senator, lobbyist, and actor (not that there is anything wrong with that). Keep me in mind just as you did that other politician/actor Ronald Reagan in 1980, and let’s win this one for The Sipper. (signed) FDT

Dear Fred, Thanks for thinking of me when I know that you and your wife Jeri are on the campaign trail. Seems to me she was enough of a gift, and challenge (some called it ’trophy’) when you two got hitched. Even though she is two years younger than one of your daughters I know you think that your opponents are jealous and hold this against you. But consider it a blessing, for as you plod along no one has made it an issue, and just think if Hillary had married a ‘hottie’ and had two more babies - she would have been ridiculed (not to mention tired), or if Mitt Romney had another wife (let’s not go there). So, Fred just give thanks to be who and where you are and you if you are lucky you won't finish the race as your favorite Jack Daniel’s …….Old No. 7 (signed) Santa

Dear Santa baby, Was delayed because of jail-mail restrictions, forgivey-poo. All I want for Christmas is my two frontal lobes. PWH

Dear Paris, Some things even Santa cannot do.!
And a belated Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all.

http://www.baldwincountynow.com/articles/2008/01/05/columnists/doc477e93ceddefc938416601