10/18/06

Where have all the funnies gone?

Tri-O's Oddities, observations, and opinions
By Herb Kandel

One of the joys while growing up was the anticipation every Sunday of reading the “funny pages” of the newspaper. Those Technicolor panels had a life of their own. I was reminded of that time recently.
This past October 4th marked a milestone event, Dick Tracy, the comic strip, turned 75. This staunch defender of the people whose jutting square jaw and broken nose, resembling a numeral “7”, is really older. When first drawn by Chester Gould in 1931 Tracy was a 34 year old bachelor, which would really makes him over 109 years old today. Gould retired in 1977, and died in 1985. The strip is now created by Dick Locher and Michael Kilian but it has much less newspaper syndication. A quick précis of our hero follows.
Tracy became a detective in order to avenge the kidnapping of Tess Trueheart (who became his wife in 1949) and the killing of her father. Gould’s was the first comic strip to approach crime, violence, justice and morality by using news “ripped from the headlines”. Along the way he introduced memorable villains. Those of a certain age will recall his side-show of those characters, among them The Brow, The Blank, Mr. And Mrs. Pruneface, Mole, B.B. Eyes, Little Face, Measels, Mumbles, Flattop, Flyface, Lispy, and in 1977, (gasp) Heroin Herbert .
Gould let us meet Gravel Gerty and B.O. Plenty who were the parents of the beautifully mutated Sparkle Plenty (which spawned a best selling line of dolls 12 years before Barbie). The capitalist Diet Smith gave Tracy the two-way wrist radio in 1946 (that was the first “can you hear me now?“ ) which later was replaced by a wrist-TV and then again into a computer; in 1947 Tracy wore a miniature camera as a ring.
Tracy was parodied by Al Capp in “Li’l Abner”. Abner was a hero-worshipper of Tracy-like “Fearless Fosdick” thus becoming a comic strip within a comic strip (more about Abner below).
Tracy became a grandfather when Sparkle Plenty Jr. Was born in 1988, she is the daughter of Junior Tracy‘S and his second wife, Sparkle Plenty. In 1994 Tess and Tracy were heading toward splitsville but they subsequently reconciled and in 1999 they celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. The crusader is still perusing thugs and justice for all.
The aforementioned “L’il Abner” strip showed a lovable, naïve, muscled, good natured hillbilly, Abner Yokum, always trying to evade the marital intentions of the beautiful, faithful and blouse stretching Daisy Mae. Capp invented the city of Dogpatch and a cast of memorable characters such as Marryin' Sam, Wolf Gal, Lena the Hyena, Indian Lonesome Polecat, Moonbeam McSwine, Stupefyin' Jones, Appassionata von Climax, and Sadie Hawkins . He also created the Shmoo which posed a threat to the world economy as they need only air as sustenance, they craved to be eaten ( fried they tasted like chicken , roasted like beef, raw like oysters). They also produced eggs, milk, butter, leather, buttons, and timber. They were ideal playmates for young children and the most perfect subsistence creature . So who needed to work?
Those two were my favorites but there were others whose adventures I followed as I entered their world. “Terry and the Pirates” took us to the intriguing Far East and the sinister (but later ally) The Dragon Lady. Milton Caniff , Terry’s artist, later created Steve Canyon. “Smilin’ Jack” was the mustached daredevil pilot who had as a sidekick Fatstuff, his Hawaiian friend who always popped his shirt buttons (usually into the gaping mouths of chickens). There was the chinless “Andy Gump” (no relation to Forrest) and his family which faced everyday quandaries as did Uncle Walt and Skeezix in “Gasoline Alley”, these were some of the first comic strip soap operas. “Henry” was a young, bald, very precocious boy who went though all the panels in pantomime, the same as the portly “The Little King”. “Prince Valiant” took us to the days of King Arthur and to a fantasy world of castles, witches, battles, and chivalry all in rich artistry and blazing colors. Walt Kelly’s “Pogo” was a joke a day while “Little Orphan Annie” fought political battles, never changing her red dress or having eye pupils.
So I ask again, Where have all the funnies gone? And answer:
All my above friends have been deferred to another place , but not forgotten. Just as Little Jackie Paper in the land of Hanah Lee, we put aside the “painted wings and giant rings”. Yet they linger lastingly in the folds of our memories ..….and for sale on the pages of eBay.
END

10/4/06

Bigger Brother Is Coming

Tri-O's Oddities, observations, and opinions
By Herb Kandel

A few weeks ago I received a reminder from the Department of Motor Vehicles that my driver license had expired. Not wanting to be a scofflaw on the highways, I drove, with extreme care, to the DMV office where I pulled my number ticket from the dispenser (just like the ones in Marble Slab) and waited for my No. 41 to be called. When it was I learned that I had 60 days from expiration date in which to renew, whew, I no longer felt my face was on the post office “Most Wanted” bulletin board. After paying my $23 and smiling for the photo I was licensed for another 4 years. The whole process took 25 minutes. It may take a lot longer next time, and not only for me.
It seems in May 2005, affixed to a $82 billion emergency spending package that provided money for the military and for tsunami relief, Congress passed the Real ID ACT which is intended to make it tougher for terrorists to obtain driver's licenses and for people without proper identification to board planes, enter federal buildings, and more. Starting May 2008 the law will require states to use sources like birth certificates and national immigration databases to verify that people applying for or renewing driver's licenses are American citizens or legal residents. The kinks will have to be worked out but be prepared for the wait (pretend you are in a doctor’s waiting room).
The card will be electronically readable. You will need this card for almost everything if you live or work in the United States. Not only to board an airplane, but also to open a bank account, collect Social Security payments, or utilize nearly any government service. The Department of Homeland Security is in charge of the Real ID Act. A report released last week by several state government leadership organizations estimates the cost of implementing the Real ID Act at more than $11 billion over the first five years. ”Also, each applicant will need three to four identity documents, and each of those need independent verification.”The information it will encode is name, birth date, sex, ID number, a digital photograph, address, in machine-readable technology.. They are permitted to add additional items such as a fingerprint or retinal scan. We are clueless as to the other identifiers at this time.
What if other establishments had similar requirements and you needed substantiated proof that you are indeed who you are, and are entitled to utilize or purchase their products and/or services. Hmmm…….let’s think:
Let’s say you want to buy a new pair of shoes. The salesperson, with narrowing eyebrows asks, “Is your toe print on file? Have your shoes ever been confiscated before boarding a plane? Do you intend to wear these shoes in a foreign country? “
Go into a coffee shop and you may have to show the person dispensing the latte the card that declares that you are not allergic to caffeine if you have not ordered a de-caf beverage.
The sign in the barber shop and hair salon boldly states “ All hair cuttings will be subject to DNA analysis and We can refuse service to anyone NOT registered (blondes excluded)”
Your health insurance company sends you a letter to the effect, “Electronic monitoring shows that you smoked, or were in the vicinity of smokers, and inhaled fumes. Your premium has been increased 15%”
The AARP now requires a Real ID card swipe for membership entry, but fear not, new rules make anyone breathing eligible.
You go to see an R rated horror movie, the person in the box office refuses you entry because your card indicates you have a heart condition (and you were not allowed buttered popcorn anyway).
The supermarket lets you to buy only what is on the food pyramid as you have exceeded your junk food quota this month.
When you go to the bank to cash a check you need to get an official override of the optical retina scan because your conjunctivitis gave a false reading.
Your computer screen freezes unless you enter your Real ID number and use “Microsoft Rules The World” as your password.
After scanning the card the dentist says, “ Sign the waiver. You haven't changed your toothbrush in 9 months. We are not responsible for your filling failing.”
I dread when the time comes to restock my undergarments and the clerk asks……..but I won't go there. Some things are better off with less public scrutiny.
END