6/20/07


Buried on page 27

Tri-O's
oddities, observations, and opinions
by Herb Kandel


All the bold faced headlines blare the topical news, i.e., Iraq, immigration, l presidential candidates, global warming, a Hilton named Paris, etc.. Meanwhile other, less consequential happenings may pique the interest of readers. These items are usually buried in the bowels of the newspaper on Page 27. Here are some that you might have missed if you quit reading after page 26.
There’s the guy in Michigan who sued his sister’s homeowner’s insurance company after her Siamese seal-point cat bit him. He was in the hospital for three weeks. The jury awarded him $122,400. The cat was characterized as "the pit bulls of cats." So beware the next time you go to pet Fluffy, she may be after more than your tongue.
There you are near the 14th tee at a plush suburban Chicago golf course and you see what looks like a speck of a Wilson or Spaulding ball protruding from the fairway. You dig around it to discover that it is a human skull along with other bones. The coroner said the bones were modern as two of the teeth were gold and one of the front teeth has an "R" embedded. No foul play was indicated but I surmise it could have been the outraged golfer who gave his defiant answer to the player who approached and asked , “Can I play through?”
You’re on a British Airways flight from New Delhi to London in first class having a snooze when you are awakened by a commotion coming from the seat nearby which was vacant when you dozed off. There you see the cabin crew struggling with a corpse. They are propping up the deceased elderly lady with pillows trying to wedge her in but she keeps slipping under the seatbelt and sloshing with the plane motion. It seems she has died in hour three of the nine hour flight and there is no room in the crowded economy class. The woman’s daughter is moved to first class where she spends the remainder of the trip “wailing in grief. What to do? You seek compensation for the stress and inconvenience but the airline says, in essence, “We’re sorry, but get over it”. Seems this situation happens about ten times a year with BA. For a like event Singapore Airlines have installed special "corpse cupboards”. Did they ever consider playing “Weekend at Bernie’s” on the in-flight movie to put the passengers at ease?
He was just trying to cross the street in front of the truck in Paw Paw, Mich. while strapped into his wheelchair when the traffic light turned green for the truck The rig driver did not see 21 year old Ben Carpenter in it but the handles of the rolling chair got lodged in the grille and WEEE off Ben went for a two mile ride at speeds approaching 50 mph.. The driver disbelieved the troopers’ story until he got out of the cab and saw the wheelchair. Ben was unhurt but this sure give new meaning to “Truckin’ down on the avenue”.
You won’t see an aerial view of this chase on “Cops” which involved another wheelchair incident in Schwerin, Germany. Seems the operator of the chair was pulled over by the police for using the automobile road. They then discovered his blood alcohol content 10 times the legal limit for drivers. "The officers couldn't quite believe it when they saw the results of the breath test. That's a life-threatening figure." Since he was not in a powered vehicle the 31-year-old man was considered a pedestrian, and will not be charged with a driving offense but they are unsure as to what it will be. How about WWI (wheeling while intoxicated) or have him repeat 100 times “Bad boy, bad boy, what cha’ gonna do when they breathalize you?”
When a preschooler teacher in Malmo, Sweden nearly fell after stepping into a pile of dog poop her students organized a protest against the leaving of the litter. They made small signs and planted one in each pile they found. The signs say things such as "Pick up after yourself". Let’s hope that the signs are stapled to sticks at least higher than the poop.
And lastly, in Cheltenham, U.K., to shame dog owners into pooper scooping (to which the discreet citizens refer to as “dog fouling”) they draw circles with spray paint around the piles. When a dog warden finds a “foul” a red circle is sprayed around it. If it is still there after a week a yellow circle is added. After two weeks (it had to be a Great Dane) on goes a white circle. These markings make it easier to spot and therefore avoid.
One can only hope that no one mistakes these circles for a game of Twister.

END

6/6/07

Who’s sorry now?


Tri-O's

Oddities, observations, and opinions
By Herb Kandel

A long time ago Bing Crosby, the Justin Timberlake of the 1930’s to the 1960’s, sang
“If I told a lie, if I made you cry -----, I'm sorry. From the bottom of my heart, -- I apologize” * This past Thursday Gov. Bob Riley didn’t sing, but signed a legislative resolution apologizing for Alabama’s participation in slavery and its’ wrongs. Alabama now links with Maryland, Virginia, and North Carolina in formalizing the apology and to which other former slave states will most likely join. Hey, if the slavery apology was good enough for Lincoln in 1863 it’ll still work for Bob now.
On this subject of public admission of error, discourtesy or wrong doing, perhaps there should be more. It could set a new trend and add to those already on record.
First lets check out celebrity ‘sorry’s‘. The most recent was Don Imus, who, grinch-like, tarnished the Ho’s of Santa’s greeting. After Mel Gibson’s anti-Semetic tirade his passion in apologizing never quite passed the kosher test; yet it was Sacha Baron Cohen's alter ego, Borat, who vouched for him "We agree with his comments that the Jews started all wars. We also have proof that they were responsible for killing off all the dinosaurs. And Hurricane Katrina - they did it." Michael Richards gave his apology after his onstage racial rant which raised hackles higher than both his and Don Kings’s hair. Russell Crowe apologized for flinging a phone in a concierge's face even before pressing 1 for English. Jane Fonda said her going to North Vietnam was wrong but few listened and she is said to wear rain gear at book signings. After her wardrobe malfunction, Janet Jackson made a clean breast of the mishap with her contrition. Even Hugh Grant, arrested in a car with a prostitute, regretted the position.
Sovereign nations are not exempt either. Australia has apologized to its aborigines. Tony Blair has apologized to the Irish for Great Britain’s handling of the potato famine. Japan apologized to China for the war against them; they did the same for the Republic of Korea “wartime comfort women” and World War II prisoners of war. Germany's made an apology to Israel for the Holocaust. The U.S. Congress admitted guilt to Japanese Americans for their internment during World War II.. Mother Russia told Poland it was sorry for the Soviet army's massacre of Polish army officers. Nelson Mandela's too gave apology for atrocities allegedly committed by his African National Congress. In 1992 Spain apologized for the 1492 Inquisition.
Religion also has its mea culpas. Pope Benedict XVI appeared remorseful when he regretted causing offence to Muslims in quoting a 14th century text. Years before, on behalf of the Roman Catholic Church, Pope John Paul II's express regret for its role in supporting the enslavement of Africans. TV evangelist Jimmy Swaggart, after he was caught on camera with a prostitute outside a New Orleans motel, gave a pre-cursor to Katrina with his tearful confession. The Rev. Ted Haggard admitted he had been receiving massages from a Denver man for three years and had bought metamphetamine. Haggard resigned as president of the National Association of Evangelicals but still advocates passage of an amendment to the Constitution to ban same-sex marriage.
Now to the world of sports: Kobe Bryant, the basketball star pleaded not guilty to sexual assault but admitted a consensual one-night stand with a hotel worker. His wife stood by her man as he made his apology public while she eyed the new peace offering on her finger, a $4 million diamond ring. Former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson, in a high pitched voice, read his apology, he said he was sorry for biting Evander Holyfield and asked not to be banned from boxing for life; nothing was mentioned about rabies testing.
Where to start in Politics? Sen. Bob Packwood was sorry for having groped women as was Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger . The Terminator also said of Puerto Ricans and Cubans, “They are all very hot. They have the, you know, part of the black blood in them and part of the Latino blood in them that together makes it.”. Almost “Hasta la vista, baby” had he not asked for forgiveness. Senator Trent Lott had repeated apologies - each one digging him more deeply into a hole for his pro-segregation remarks intended to compliment Strom Thurmond’s 100th birthday. Durham District Attorney Mike Nifong bowed to the former Duke lacrosse players when the N.C. Attorney General proclaimed they were wrongly accused. After Sen. John McCain's made the tasteless and hurtful joke about Chelsea Clinton, Janet Reno, and Hillary Clinton he apologized to the Clintons. President Bill Clinton apologized to the country for his conduct in l’afair Monica --- and that’s all there IS.
Disclaimer: If anyone was offended by any of the above…..I’m sorry.
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"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."--Mahatma Gandhi
"Always forgive your enemies--nothing annoys them so much."--Oscar Wilde


* I APOLOGIZE (Al Goodhart / Al Hoffman / Edward Nelson)