8/23/08
The Tale of Willie No-write and the seven morphs

The actual Willie Bean

Note for out of town readers:
The mayor of Fairhope, Alabama is running for a third term. An unprecedented six candidates oppose him.
A local coffee shop owner put a picture of her Golden Lab pet, Willie Bean, in the store. A customer then wrote "For Mayor" beneath it. From there the spoof spread and made national news (including "The Late Show with David Letterman"), which you may have seen,

And so .............
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8/23/08

The Tale of Willie No-write and the seven morphs

TRI-O’s:Oddities, observations & opinions

By Herb Kandel

They called him Willie No-write because he couldn't. They could have easily called him Willie No-read for he had not that skill either. They zoned in on his illiteracy to make it appear he was neither competent nor intelligent enough to hold office. However, his innate keen senses, which were far superior to his detractors, gave him capabilities of knowing right from wrong then doing what’s right, and always being forthright. Deviousness, deception and guile were as foreign to him as feathers growing on apples. His honesty was viewed as the trait which caused the turnaround to the political campaign. Ah, but I get ahead of myself. Journey back to a galaxy far, far away and long, long ago.

Once again we are in the fiefdom of Fairtopia in the land of Baldwinia. The term of office for the lord mayor was expiring, and he sought another. His challenge was answered by six citizens who qualified within the time requirements. A late surprising entry, who missed the time frame to get his name on the ballot, was William, mongrel of Beanville; a quadruped whose write-in name on the mayoral ballot, although he was not eligible for the office, could siphon votes from the legitimate contenders. By doing this William could force a run-off election of the two top human vote-getters who might otherwise not have been in that position. In other words, he was the forerunner to what later would be recognized as a spoiler. Some claim he was the inspiration for the process that became known as “Nadering.”

Prior to William’s entry, all of the seven aspirants seemed confident of their chances to be the chosen one; or as they each pictured themselves “The fairest in Fairtopia.” Some considered themselves to be visionaries and marketers while several emphasized the pragmatics of those plans citing non-existing funds that would be necessary and pointing out unfairness by showing favoritism in shopping area emphasis. Among the ideas of attracting more business to the downtown area were, ferry boats from Mobileton to Fairtopia, downtown electric trolleys, billboards in surrounding towns, bicycle-sharing, and even a horse-driven carriage. Some drew the line at unrestrained growth and there was bickering, a few likely bogus, others quite genuine.

When momentum for William picked up and people were rallying round the pup, the seven aspirants realized the extent of the threat that was posed, i.e., of being “Nadered.” The prophets (called pollsters) also mirrored this image of the potential hindrance. The common jeopardy to them became devastatingly apparent. Some-thing had to be done.

Initially they had responded by ignoring the challenge. That failed. They then resorted to dismissing the effrontery by referring to their common threat as “Willie no-write.” This moniker was pinned on William to call attention to his limitations, to ridicule his candidacy, and to point out his naivete.

Try as they might, the seven could not stop the popular surge. It seemed the cards were dealt and upsets were in the making. Then something short of a miracle happened. The seven, almost as a body, came to a unanimous deduction about the rise of Willie: If all it took to arouse the populace to support them in their cause was to just tell the truth and do the right thing, why not do it?

In this manner it came to pass that the seven mayoral entrants morphed into exceptionally straightforward persons by emulating their former competitor. They campaigned and conducted themselves in a positive, constructive and ethical manner. William of Beanville, graciously bowed (actually bow-wowed) out, aware he was not qualified, but content in the knowledge that his dogged attributes influenced humans in conducting themselves in a manner that would have made Lassie proud.

So, there you have the inside skinny on Willie No-write and the seven morphs, who made history by participating in an election where all concerned played by the rules, said what they believed and later kept all their promises. The entire realm took note and hailed William of Beanville.

Alas, kind reader, recall that all things related above, while presented accurately is, nevertheless a tale.

END

To view article click below link:
http://www.baldwincountynow.com/articles/2008/08/23/columnists/doc48aeffccdcb27547000135.txt

8/13/08

Spit Happens

Tri-O's Oddities, observations, and opinions By Herb Kandel

(note: editor changed my above title to "Company touts value of spit",see link at the bottom. Which do you think is better?)

Yes, folks, that same translucent liquid produced in our mouth around the clock. Those glands secrete two to four pints of saliva into our kisser every day. We know it aids digestion as it is the first phase of food processing in our body, it is a pal of the tongue by wetting food for the taste buds to perform their task, it makes swallowing a lot easier (imagine trying to eat a pizza without there being saliva), your teeth are constantly bathed by it, and it helps battle mouth infections. Not to mention the component in sealing that birthday card envelope .

Most of the time we keep our watery enzymed friend to ourselves swallowing unconsciously. Baseball players, however, seem to be the exception. Drool on the pillow or on the baby’s chin is a reminder that the glands are working. In Beijing, if you expectorate expect to pay a fine of up to 50 yuan (about $6.50, the approximate wage of ½ day for the average worker) and in Shanghai it is 200 yuan; for not only do they want to seem more hospitable (no pun) but they are also fighting Sars (Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome) and want to indoctrinate citizens with more hygienic habits.

Why am I going down this slippery saliva slope? Well, with all the above listed good things about our ever present fluid I recently discovered another highly significant one. What if you were told that a heart attack was probable in your future? What if you learned you have a predisposition to Diabetes? Prostate Cancer? Alzheimer’s? Would you want to know about it so as to take steps to help yourself? Well, providing a sample of your saliva, and paying a fee (more about this later) will give you information to assess your health condition.

Genetic tests by Navigenics Inc. Of Redwood Shores, California makes this information available to individuals so that they can make informed decisions as to their own well being. It is a new era of personalized medical information that is being ushered in, and you will be hearing a lot more about it . There is no scheduled appointment and no waiting room wait. The test is called Health Compass and is available directly to the purchaser via the Internet.

They cover 21 conditions from abdominal aneurysm to rheumatoid arthritis with breast, prostate, lung, and colon cancer among them. From the saliva DNA sample they scan your complete genome to give you a picture of your genetic makeup. They test for health conditions that you can do something about so the “condition can be prevented, detected early or treated. That means that while we show you your genetic risk, you can still affect your overall risk by taking action.” The team of Ph.D. Geneticists selects genetic risk markers that have been validated by multiple studies and have been published in peer-reviewed scientific journals.

To ensure the quality and accuracy they use a government-certified laboratory that has rigorous federal regulations. “We subject the sample processing to repeated quality checks and stringent data verification procedures.” For privacy, the samples sent to the lab are identified only by a bar code. The lab tests for nearly 2 million genetic markers, including almost a million “single nucleotide polymorphisms. These are one-letter variations in your DNA that can serve as markers for disease risk.”

Navigenics then interpret and checks the results, they are posted to a secure Web site, where only the consumer can view them, usually in six to eight weeks. Then a designated Genetic Counselor will go through your report with you, They give you a toll-free number to ensure continuity for the same counselor. “Now that you have been given insight into your potential genetic risks, our goal is to empower you to take action.--We believe that the information we give you can help you work with your doctor to detect potential conditions early.”

Their service does not end with the initial scan and consultation. “For as long as you remain a member, you will get updates via e-mail about new health information as it becomes available and passes our screening process.” The fee for the first year of service is (nothing to spit at) $2500 and the ongoing subscription rate is $250 per year.

There are some medical professionals who are concerned with patients coming in and waving DNA profiles seeking preventive methods based on categorized risks. This may take the form of unnecessary tests and a patient learning about a slight increase in risk might experience uncalled for levels of anxiety. There are also questions as to a possible disruption of the doctor/patient relationship, privacy issues concerning insurers and employers using such information, and selling the genetic data to drug companies that require such statistics to perform genetically targeted medical studies, among others.

There you have another avenue open to either affirm your health condition or learn of risks of which you might have been unaware. But, hey, if you are content just being who you are and going along as you are forget all of the above---- and keep your mouth shut.

http://www.baldwincountynow.com/articles/2008/08/13/columnists/doc48a1db79a8476619888427.txt

7/30/08

The world’s largest Chapstick


TRI-O’sOddities, observations & opinions
By Herb Kandel



Will Rogers, humorist/author/commentator/philosopher, said “All I know is what I read in the newspapers.” To paraphrase him: All I know is what I glean from newspapers, magazines, TV, radio, the Internet, blogs, e-mail and occasional tarot cards (I quit smoke signals long ago, cold turkey). The message that is coming across those media lately is: What are the best ways to reduce American dependence on oil, have renewable energy sources and protect the environment?

We've all seen the T. Boone Pickens teaser ad about capturing energy from the wind and utilizing natural gas; we await his unveiling of the plan. Al Gore too has been espousing his views on energy and the environment. Last week I heard another expert who has made me rethink other aspects concerning the consequences of certain drilling and nuclear sources of energy.

The person being interviewed by Charlie Rose on PBS was Amory Lovins. He is the co-founder, chairman and chief scientist of the Rocky Mountain Institute in Colorado (RMI), a non-profit think and do tank that promotes the use of resources in ways that are efficient and restorative.They are engaged by both companies and governments as consultants to make more money for them while doing less harm to the environment. The other half of their support comes from individual donors and foundation grants. Their research in technologies in renewable energy, on oil dependence and resource planning places them on the cutting-edge. Lovins has been described as “one of the Western world’s most influential energy thinkers,” has written 29 books and is against nuclear power.

Lovins contends that electricity and oil have essentially nothing to do with each other. Less than 2 percent of our electricity is made from oil and this oil is the bottom of the barrel gooey sludge not used for fuel. Nuclear is grossly uneconomic and its revival is “a very carefully fabricated illusion” as “it costs about three times as much as wind power ... While it cannot deliver the climate and security benefits claimed for it.”In 2006, renewables produced more electricity worldwide than nuclear. Now it produces a sixth of the world’s electricity. The U.S. Addition of wind capacity last year was more than the past five years of coal capacity combined. Private capital poured $71 billion into renewables while nuclear got zero. The market is saying that nuclear is not feasible when measured against renewable sources.

His thoughts on drilling are also enlightening.
“Making efficient cars is equivalent to finding an all-American Saudi Arabia under Detroit.” He continues, “It will save about eight-and-a-half million barrels a day, and it is inexhaustible, climate-safe and costing about 12 bucks a barrel.”

When prices were $20 a barrel, oil companies were not interested in drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge (ANWR). At $120-$140 a barrel you would think it a no-brainer to drill there. However they are still not interested because the costs of drilling have gone up more than the oil price went up. The region has a hostile environment, the drilling is risky, and they could drill cheaper in almost any other place in the world.

Let’s put aside environmentalists’ reasons — forget the animals, the pristine beauty, the trees, the manmade routes to the sites, the refuse left behind — let’s just consider the security aspects.The only way to get the oil flowing south is through the Trans-Alaska Pipeline. It is an 800-mile pipeline mostly above ground. Jim Woolsey, former CIA director, has testified against the ANWR drilling on national security grounds. It’s what he refers to as “Uncle Sam’s ‘kick me’ sign.”

This pipeline, easily accessible by road and plane, is the most vulnerable part of the infrastructure and probably the longest terrorist target. It has sustained two botched bombings, has been shot at over 50 times, a drunk put a hole in it with a rifle shot and shut it down, and around Y2K, a disgruntled employee was caught about to blow up three key areas with homemade bombs.

If pumping stations or other vital points were attacked in the winter, if the flow through it was interrupted for about a week, Lovins claims “nine million barrels of hot oil congeals into the world’s largest Chapstick, then you can't pump anymore” (not to mention the cleanup).

So it seems that drilling offshore poses less of a security risk than ANWR and provides a more monetary incentive for the private sector. Of nuclear? Forget about it: uneconomical high cost for minor contributions. Renewables, i.e., wind, solar and hydro, appear to point the path to solutions.

But what do I know? After all “All I know is what I read in the newspapers.”


http://www.baldwincountynow.com/articles/2008/07/30/columnists/doc488f7e337ee32470320435.txt

7/23/08

Porkey’s flight plight

TRI-O’s:Oddities, observations & opinions
By Herb Kandel



Now I’m not a person who thinks of Charles Darwin very often; in fact, hardly ever. However, last week the renowned English naturalist played a pivotal part in a seemingly totally unrelated domestic event. Here is how this scientist’s theories entered into a kitchen conversation.

My BH (Better Half) asked during our evening meal, “Honey, please pass me the spritz Asian salad dressing; and by the way the hose connection on the outside faucet is leaking and probably needs a new washer.”“Sure. I’ll take care of it tomorrow,” I said chomping a chicken leg.

“Promise? Last time it took you two weeks before you got around to replacing the broken gate hinge”
“Yes, but it was done. I always take care of things like that, don’t I? ” I said trumping her, I thought.

“Sure you do — just like pigs fly.”

I stopped in mid-chomp and that’s when Darwin came to mind.“Do I detect a note of sarcasm? And, incidentally, what makes you think pigs can’t fly just because they don‘t do that now?”

“What do you mean by that, Sherlock?” she asked as her eyes rolled heavenward, for she knew something profound was about to be launched from these lips, which speak but truth. Oh, before I forget, she calls me by that facetious name, Sherlock, when I’m about to give my take on a subject.

I handed her the spritz bottle and proceeded.“Well according to Darwin’s theory of adaptation, over the course of time species modify in ways that permit them to succeed, reproduce and thrive in their environment. Natural selection gives to the individual that adapts the better chance to survive, under particular environmental conditions, than others of the same species that do not adapt.”

“Pray tell what are you talking about?”

“For instance there were short- and long-necked giraffes, and through a string of mutations those giraffes with the long necks were able to feed on the taller trees foliage, while those with shorter necks could not. This eventually led to the disappearance of the giraffes with shorter necks, which died of poor nutrition, leading to starvation and fewer offspring. Darwin believed the purging of unfit individuals was the survival of the fittest and thus new and improved species evolved in new environments.”

“So you’re telling me that pigs will fly someday?” she added a “Ha!”

“It could very well be. Now think of what may happen if global warming took hold and the waters rose to cover more land area. Through adaptation over many generations man may develop more pores on the skin surface to dissipate perspiration; they may have three nostrils to breathe in more oxygen; webbed toes and fingers would aid in getting around in the surrounding water. Because of there being less land and fewer farms, those who have mastered deriving nutrition from algae, plants, grass and perhaps even tree bark will fare better than those who can only survive on meat, poultry and dairy products.
“New generations, with all the technical electronic communications, will have developed a double set of thumbs on each hand, a small pointy one to text message on the tiny keys, and the other strong elongated ones for acrobatic pole dancing and for holding on to the arms of the zooming jet chairs. Ears will be thicker, and everything audio will be louder as heavy rock bands will have destroyed the human hearing of delicate tones.”

Now for the clincher. I proceeded.“Animals such as swine will not be able to compete with humans for the scarce grain and other silage products that humans will then eat, so the pigs that survive will be those porkers who learn to eat high off the bog (so to speak), they will have to either grow tall, turn hooves into claws to learn to climb, or grow wings to get to the lofty edibles.
“So you see, in the future, pigs — according to Darwin — may someday fly. I rest my case,” I smiled smugly.
“Well, isn’t that all great to know” she stated. “Just get the washer for the hose before I make you sprout angel wings. And you can take out the trash while you’re at it, Sherlock.”

Th, th, th, that’s all folks!!
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Note: For those folks who e-mailed and called about the cryptic initials on the time travel chair in the last column concerning the 4th of July. The “HGW” referred to H.G. Wells the author of “The Time Machine”