8/29/07
The Four Horsemen of the Metropolis
Tri-O's Oddities, observations, and opinions
By Herb Kandel
You’ve seen them on TV. They are in an office setting with shelf loads of big books on the back wall. They are either seated behind their neat desk or semi-sitting on the edge. There they are wearing impeccably tailored suits, with color coordinated shirts and ties. Looking directly into the camera, no blinking, they tell you, with the sincerity of your most trusted lifelong friend, that you may be entitled to a cash award if you, or your loved ones, have ever experienced bad side effects from a prescribed medication or a surgical procedure. The same contingency offer is made for car accidents, DUI’s, workmen’s compensation, and social security benefits. All you have to do, if you meet the requirement and want to participate in the suit or litigation, is to, “Call the office of Getcha, Gotcha, Gone, and Goniff” (no real names used).
Sure, there are legitimate claims to right wrongdoing and they will wend their way through the judicial systems slow grinding process. But let’s consider some suits of the future that may be brought if the trend continues. You’re sitting in the chair at your regular barber shop. “Ouch!” He nips an ear lobe while trimming a sideburn. What male member of a jury has not experienced a slip of the scissor? Verdict for plaintiff.
That rolled up Sunday edition is lobbed through the air aimed at your driveway. It lands with a thud but trouble is that it also lands with a “YIPE” from tiny Fido who was lifting a leg on a bush when the paper missile concluded its gravitational pull. Who now is responsible for the vet bills and the subsequent rehab? Who fills the void where stud fees once were? Call GGG&G.
The plastic bag you’re lugging to your car from the supermarket is weighted down with a gallon of milk and yogurt with acidophilus culture when suddenly the side splits and the contents plop on your toes bruising a phalange and a metatarsal. Do you go after the check out cashier who did the bagging, the store, or the bag manufacturer? To find out if you do have a leg to stand on, who do you call?
The golf game is going well when the next drive goes into a trap. The nine iron digs deeper into those grains than you really wanted and kicks up a sheeting of sand. Your game partner, who is standing nearby contemplating his next shot, gets an eyeful of the airborne granules. Now the true test of friendship is measured. Does he or does he not seek the G4 for retribution? And just as important…….do you guys play the next hole?
Your wife invites friends over for a home cooked dinner which, as everyone knows, she rarely does as ovens in this house are considered an extension of the pantry with canned goods and snack boxes loaded on the racks. The steaks she let defrost in the sunlight on the kitchen counter stayed a tad too long and invisible bacteria went into population overload. All who partook of the meal came down with the same symptoms several hours later. No fun was had but the now ex-friends are contemplating a suit for the pain and suffering while the hosts are visiting GGG&G drawing up a hold harmless disclaimer for future guests.
You are typing the thirty page company report on the computer when it freezes and the dreaded blue screen of death takes its place, If you had not been saving your work as you were going along then it has all gone to that big cyberspace in the sky, “POOF”. You have to retype and recapture your thoughts. What frustration! Now extra time must be spent in finger jabbing keystrokes. Someone has to be responsible for this built-in system failure. Should it be Bill Gates? Microsoft? In the words of the immortal Rhett Butler, “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.” Some times it’s good to have the firm of Getcha, Gotcha, Gone, and Goniff fighting for you. Who knew?
http://www.baldwincountynow.com/articles/2007/08/29/columnists/doc46d4918b564ce395739873.txt
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Monday, August 20, 2007
8/18/07
Ding dong - school’s in session
Trio-O's: Oddities, observations & opinionsBy Herb Kandel
That’s the bell that sounds the start of another school year. It seems to sneak in earlier each time, like ageing. When those of us born in a much earlier decade answered that toll, it was after Labor Day and not at the near height of summer. The season of sun and fun had a point of demarcation, and the serious work of learning was started. Occasionally we experienced an Indian Summer where the weather was unusually warm or sunny in autumn, but it seems almost a sin against nature to be closeted in a classroom when radiant August bathes the outdoors, and new high temperature records are being set.
The back-to-school ads are in circulation as soon as the last firecracker is heard on the Fourth of July. Retailers and manufacturers rush the season and are as close on the heels of the time lapse as when Christmas ads appear on Halloween. Not only for school supplies and books for the “writ’n and read’n” but for the now “necessary” gadgets such as cell phones with GPS options
No, I’m not going to tell you about our eight mile walks to school in blizzards, going uphill in both directions. But things were a lot simpler then.
Our requirements were usually a composition book, yes, the one with the black and white marbled squiggles on the cover, a pencil box with a No. 2 pencil, pen (the kind with a replaceable nib that you dipped in the ink well on your school desk), a pink eraser, a 6-inch ruler that was marked only in inches and a manual pencil sharpener (that small rectangular block with a blade attached, which shaved the point when twirled). Boys usually carried books in cupped hands at their side or over their shoulder bound with an old belt. Girls almost always held them cradled in front with hands grasping forearms. The obligatory backpack of today, sold to preschoolers on up, wasn’t seen.
Some of the new supply lists include glue sticks, highlighters, dry markers, dry erasers, Post-it notes, folders, index cards, crayons, Zip lock baggies, hand sanitizers, boxes of tissue, paper towels and baby wipes. Not included but seen as necessities are the designer clothes, expensive athletic shoes, and cell/camera phones in the red new hue. I know that many schools have uniform dress codes and ban cell phones and pagers, but that does not stop the advertisements for them or their surreptitious use.
You’ve heard of identity theft and how to protect yourself from it. Do you know there is a company that personalizes school supplies to prevent their theft, loss, or being switched. Now Johnny can tell Heather that the pen she is using is really his and prove it. Identitydirect.Com boasts over 500 products that can be personalized from pencils, lunch bags, toiletry bags, beanbags, headbands, memo pads, clipboards and, of course, the backpack — comes in pink, too. We certainly are introducing the hazards of adulthood at an early age.
Not having been in school for many years, I wonder if the odors are still there. You could have been blindfolded in my public high school and still know in which room you were. Who can forget the pungent scents of the cafeteria with brown gravy filling the scooped cavity made in the mashed potatoes and forming rivulets around the meatloaf, the fresh smell of shaved wood from the wood-turning lathes in the mandatory shop class (for the boys; girls attended home-making), the eye-burning, chlorine-infused air of the swimming pool, the white crumby paste and mucilage aroma in the library, the metallic coppery reeking air of the band room, or the malodorous cloud that hung over the gym locker room — where were Odor-Eaters when you needed them.
Outside, making sure the wind was at their backs, eraser monitors clapped the felt erasers, and puffs of chalk dust mushroomed forth. I’m not sure, but in these times the EPA or Hazmat may have a voice in regulating wafting whiffs.
So, off you go boys and girls, to an adventurous time in your life. Some day, in the future, you may cherish your “good old days” of those antique ipods, hip-hop, Bluetooth, Sponge Bob, texting, blogging, Harry Potter and break dancing. We celebrate your growing along with your new experiences and hope that your backpack is not overloaded.
Ding dong - school’s in session
Trio-O's: Oddities, observations & opinionsBy Herb Kandel
That’s the bell that sounds the start of another school year. It seems to sneak in earlier each time, like ageing. When those of us born in a much earlier decade answered that toll, it was after Labor Day and not at the near height of summer. The season of sun and fun had a point of demarcation, and the serious work of learning was started. Occasionally we experienced an Indian Summer where the weather was unusually warm or sunny in autumn, but it seems almost a sin against nature to be closeted in a classroom when radiant August bathes the outdoors, and new high temperature records are being set.
The back-to-school ads are in circulation as soon as the last firecracker is heard on the Fourth of July. Retailers and manufacturers rush the season and are as close on the heels of the time lapse as when Christmas ads appear on Halloween. Not only for school supplies and books for the “writ’n and read’n” but for the now “necessary” gadgets such as cell phones with GPS options
No, I’m not going to tell you about our eight mile walks to school in blizzards, going uphill in both directions. But things were a lot simpler then.
Our requirements were usually a composition book, yes, the one with the black and white marbled squiggles on the cover, a pencil box with a No. 2 pencil, pen (the kind with a replaceable nib that you dipped in the ink well on your school desk), a pink eraser, a 6-inch ruler that was marked only in inches and a manual pencil sharpener (that small rectangular block with a blade attached, which shaved the point when twirled). Boys usually carried books in cupped hands at their side or over their shoulder bound with an old belt. Girls almost always held them cradled in front with hands grasping forearms. The obligatory backpack of today, sold to preschoolers on up, wasn’t seen.
Some of the new supply lists include glue sticks, highlighters, dry markers, dry erasers, Post-it notes, folders, index cards, crayons, Zip lock baggies, hand sanitizers, boxes of tissue, paper towels and baby wipes. Not included but seen as necessities are the designer clothes, expensive athletic shoes, and cell/camera phones in the red new hue. I know that many schools have uniform dress codes and ban cell phones and pagers, but that does not stop the advertisements for them or their surreptitious use.
You’ve heard of identity theft and how to protect yourself from it. Do you know there is a company that personalizes school supplies to prevent their theft, loss, or being switched. Now Johnny can tell Heather that the pen she is using is really his and prove it. Identitydirect.Com boasts over 500 products that can be personalized from pencils, lunch bags, toiletry bags, beanbags, headbands, memo pads, clipboards and, of course, the backpack — comes in pink, too. We certainly are introducing the hazards of adulthood at an early age.
Not having been in school for many years, I wonder if the odors are still there. You could have been blindfolded in my public high school and still know in which room you were. Who can forget the pungent scents of the cafeteria with brown gravy filling the scooped cavity made in the mashed potatoes and forming rivulets around the meatloaf, the fresh smell of shaved wood from the wood-turning lathes in the mandatory shop class (for the boys; girls attended home-making), the eye-burning, chlorine-infused air of the swimming pool, the white crumby paste and mucilage aroma in the library, the metallic coppery reeking air of the band room, or the malodorous cloud that hung over the gym locker room — where were Odor-Eaters when you needed them.
Outside, making sure the wind was at their backs, eraser monitors clapped the felt erasers, and puffs of chalk dust mushroomed forth. I’m not sure, but in these times the EPA or Hazmat may have a voice in regulating wafting whiffs.
So, off you go boys and girls, to an adventurous time in your life. Some day, in the future, you may cherish your “good old days” of those antique ipods, hip-hop, Bluetooth, Sponge Bob, texting, blogging, Harry Potter and break dancing. We celebrate your growing along with your new experiences and hope that your backpack is not overloaded.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
8/1/07
My seven Wonders, plus one
Tri-O's Oddities, observations, and opinions
By Herb Kandel
Will wonders never cease? The report tallied last month said that over 100 million votes were cast from over 200 countries to find the new Seven Wonders of the world. The winners are: Chichén Itzá, Mexico - Christ the Redeemer, Brazil - The Great Wall, China - Machu Picchu, Peru - Petra, Jordan -The Roman Colosseum, Italy - The Taj Mahal, India. Nobody asked me but here is my list of Wonder contenders and, lastly, my choices.
Wonder Woman: She is the crime fighting super heroine possessing beauty, strength, and intelligence. She of the star spangled hot shorts, golden bustier that pre-dated Madonna’s, bracelets that deflected bullets, a golden unbreakable lasso which compelled anyone encircled in it to tell the truth, and a boomerang tiara. And when Lynda Carter portrayed her on TV she could do no wrong.
Stevie Wonder: He started recording at age 11 and continues to this day. His album sales are over 100 million, has won 22 Grammy Awards, an Academy Award for Best Song, was inducted into the Rock and Roll and Songwriters halls of fame, he also plays a host of percussion and string instruments as well as the synthesizer and keyboard. Check this small sample of his work and see if you can resist humming: “My Cherie Amour”, “You Are the Sunshine of my Life”, “ For Once in my Life”, “I Just Called to Say I Love You”, "Yester-Me, Yester-You, Yesterday", "Isn't She Lovely".
Wonder Bread: Yes, the soft white bread with the colorful red, yellow, and blue balloons on the wrapper. Sure, the name is sometimes used as a pejorative term for having little pizzazz and nutrition but it has been baked for over 80 years and now comes in five varieties including three advertised with “whole grain”. They were among the first who introduced sliced bread in the 1930s and because of its squishiness is sometimes used as a remedy because it forms a soft lump around inedible objects that are swallowed by a child or dog allowing it to pass safely. That by itself is a wonder.
The Wonder Years: This delightful TV show ran for six seasons (1988 - 1993). It depicted the years 1968-1973 “each season took place exactly twenty years before the then current year”. Fred Savage played Kevin Arnold . We follow him through his teen years on his journey to adulthood. During this passage we relive the events of that time from his perspective. Many topics were explored including social issues, family dynamics, first kiss, first zit, family finances, and the fragility of friendship. The narrator is a mature, wiser Kevin who views the experiences not only with nostalgia but also the conviction of learning another life lesson.
It’s a Wonderful Life: The movie directed by Frank Capra was a flop when it was released in 1946. When its copyright protection ended on 1974 and fell into the public domain it got repeated airings at Christmas-time as it was free to the TV stations until 1993. Now only “NBC is currently licensed to show the film on U.S. Network television,” according to Wikipedia. It tells the story, in flashbacks, of the effect of one person touching the lives of those around him, both family and community. Despite all seeming obstacles and dilemmas he still has a wonderful life. All that was needed was the realization of the difference he made in those lives.
What a Wonderful World: This song was written for Louis Armstrong in 1967. Has there ever been more optimistic words and music expressing the joy of life? It was further enhanced by the linkage of that raspy voice which wrapped each image with delight. Armstrong took only $250 scale for his recording, for the song was intended to soothe the high emotions caused by the racial and political riots of that year.
And lastly - my Wonder winners: grandchildren James, Sydney, Jordan, Tori, Madeline, Courtney, and awaiting the seventh Wonder, a boy due sometime in September. Plus one, my BH (Better Half).
So in answer to the question asked initially: I hope not.
END
682 words
http://www.baldwincountynow.com/articles/2007/08/02/columnists/doc46af8f06a9034014185318
My seven Wonders, plus one
Tri-O's Oddities, observations, and opinions
By Herb Kandel
Will wonders never cease? The report tallied last month said that over 100 million votes were cast from over 200 countries to find the new Seven Wonders of the world. The winners are: Chichén Itzá, Mexico - Christ the Redeemer, Brazil - The Great Wall, China - Machu Picchu, Peru - Petra, Jordan -The Roman Colosseum, Italy - The Taj Mahal, India. Nobody asked me but here is my list of Wonder contenders and, lastly, my choices.
Wonder Woman: She is the crime fighting super heroine possessing beauty, strength, and intelligence. She of the star spangled hot shorts, golden bustier that pre-dated Madonna’s, bracelets that deflected bullets, a golden unbreakable lasso which compelled anyone encircled in it to tell the truth, and a boomerang tiara. And when Lynda Carter portrayed her on TV she could do no wrong.
Stevie Wonder: He started recording at age 11 and continues to this day. His album sales are over 100 million, has won 22 Grammy Awards, an Academy Award for Best Song, was inducted into the Rock and Roll and Songwriters halls of fame, he also plays a host of percussion and string instruments as well as the synthesizer and keyboard. Check this small sample of his work and see if you can resist humming: “My Cherie Amour”, “You Are the Sunshine of my Life”, “ For Once in my Life”, “I Just Called to Say I Love You”, "Yester-Me, Yester-You, Yesterday", "Isn't She Lovely".
Wonder Bread: Yes, the soft white bread with the colorful red, yellow, and blue balloons on the wrapper. Sure, the name is sometimes used as a pejorative term for having little pizzazz and nutrition but it has been baked for over 80 years and now comes in five varieties including three advertised with “whole grain”. They were among the first who introduced sliced bread in the 1930s and because of its squishiness is sometimes used as a remedy because it forms a soft lump around inedible objects that are swallowed by a child or dog allowing it to pass safely. That by itself is a wonder.
The Wonder Years: This delightful TV show ran for six seasons (1988 - 1993). It depicted the years 1968-1973 “each season took place exactly twenty years before the then current year”. Fred Savage played Kevin Arnold . We follow him through his teen years on his journey to adulthood. During this passage we relive the events of that time from his perspective. Many topics were explored including social issues, family dynamics, first kiss, first zit, family finances, and the fragility of friendship. The narrator is a mature, wiser Kevin who views the experiences not only with nostalgia but also the conviction of learning another life lesson.
It’s a Wonderful Life: The movie directed by Frank Capra was a flop when it was released in 1946. When its copyright protection ended on 1974 and fell into the public domain it got repeated airings at Christmas-time as it was free to the TV stations until 1993. Now only “NBC is currently licensed to show the film on U.S. Network television,” according to Wikipedia. It tells the story, in flashbacks, of the effect of one person touching the lives of those around him, both family and community. Despite all seeming obstacles and dilemmas he still has a wonderful life. All that was needed was the realization of the difference he made in those lives.
What a Wonderful World: This song was written for Louis Armstrong in 1967. Has there ever been more optimistic words and music expressing the joy of life? It was further enhanced by the linkage of that raspy voice which wrapped each image with delight. Armstrong took only $250 scale for his recording, for the song was intended to soothe the high emotions caused by the racial and political riots of that year.
And lastly - my Wonder winners: grandchildren James, Sydney, Jordan, Tori, Madeline, Courtney, and awaiting the seventh Wonder, a boy due sometime in September. Plus one, my BH (Better Half).
So in answer to the question asked initially: I hope not.
END
682 words
http://www.baldwincountynow.com/articles/2007/08/02/columnists/doc46af8f06a9034014185318
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