11/22/06

A Modest Proposal, Mon Cher

Tri-O's Oddities, observations, and opinions
By Herb Kandel


Well it’s happened. And now that it has we can predict with more certainty that the world as we have known it is changing, and it is probably not for the better. But wait, there may yet be some hope.
I’m referring to what happened in Paris, France last week and last year. There was just 1,188 kissers who showed up this past Thursday to try to break the Guinness World Records for the most people kissing on one place at one moment. It was far short as the record is still held by Budapest, where in 2005 they won it with 11,570 pairs of lips meeting. Or as Ross Perot would say “ Y’all listen to that big sucking sound.”
When the city known universally for romance and truffles loses to the city in which a Hungarian travel channel titled it "Budapest is a riot! That's why we love it!" and goulash, you know you are, as Harold Hill said , “in Trouble …….with a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for….” Paris.
This also marks the one-year anniversary of the urban uprising in France. There was a series of riots and violent clashes, involving mainly the burning of cars and public buildings by youth groups. Starting in the Paris area, the unrest subsequently spread to other regions. The violence involved mostly French citizens with North African origins, although not all. These events led to strong debates about integration and discrimination in France. And this past March there was a “strike” by students in the country to protest proposed new legislation that would allow employers to fire people, under the age of 26, who were on the job during the first two years .
What, you might ask, do these two seemingly non-related events have to do with each other and what is the glimmer of hope that was mentioned? Bear with me.
The reports state the arson, car burnings, and other attacks so far seem to be centered in Muslim and African communities. In September 2005, a soaring 21.7% of 15- to 24-year-olds in France were unemployed. And of this it is estimated that 3o-50% in that group is Muslim. According to my math, using a median figure of 40% unemployed, comes to over ¾ of a million Muslims. That, by any standard, is a lot of potential pucker-uppers.
Now supposing these unemployed folks would have all participated in the “kiss-off”. This would mean that some of the Muslim ladies would have to lift the face-covering veil, known as a niqab, and some of the men would do likewise with their ski masks. With all these new pursed lips this mammoth smooch would resonate from the Palais Royal to Place Pigalle and the city would snatch the title back from the Hungarians just as quickly as you could say “Pass the paprika” (and that‘S noting to sneeze at).
With the attention, prominence, and approbation that Paris would receive would come the visitors, tourists, and those vicarious seekers of pleasure who take delight in being where the action was, and hoping for some themselves. I propose the mantra “If you kiss a lot, they will spend”. This great influx of sightseers would require more people to handle all the necessary work involved. Think of all the employment opportunities this new burgeoning market would require… travel agents; transportation; hospitality; food production, preparation, and serving; accounting; advertising; security; sanitation; entertainment; lip balm; to say nothing of health care (the BBC reports “ well over 5 million bacteria are exchanged in one long, lingering passionate kiss”), and the list goes on.
There, my friends, is a simple solution to a situation requiring no G8 summit conference. Think of it……..the simplicity of a kiss to change a whole economy and lead to social reform. So simple, it’s origin according to one version, comes from the transfer of pre-chewed food from a mother to her baby in primitive times and later to adults. The Indian culture believed there was a joining of souls when two people exchanged exhaled breath. And the Ingrid Bergman theory, "a kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous".
Regardless of how it came about the kiss is here to stay. So all the French government has to do is ask their citizens , “ Can’t we all just kiss together?”. And to propose to the Muslim community ( apologies to Oscar Hammerstein) “ditch that mask and lift that veil, you’ll get a lot of work and there’ll be no bail”. For without a coming together , France will become a playground for only the very well-to-do, where the biggest growth industries will be security and the Gendarmes.
END