6/20/07


Buried on page 27

Tri-O's
oddities, observations, and opinions
by Herb Kandel


All the bold faced headlines blare the topical news, i.e., Iraq, immigration, l presidential candidates, global warming, a Hilton named Paris, etc.. Meanwhile other, less consequential happenings may pique the interest of readers. These items are usually buried in the bowels of the newspaper on Page 27. Here are some that you might have missed if you quit reading after page 26.
There’s the guy in Michigan who sued his sister’s homeowner’s insurance company after her Siamese seal-point cat bit him. He was in the hospital for three weeks. The jury awarded him $122,400. The cat was characterized as "the pit bulls of cats." So beware the next time you go to pet Fluffy, she may be after more than your tongue.
There you are near the 14th tee at a plush suburban Chicago golf course and you see what looks like a speck of a Wilson or Spaulding ball protruding from the fairway. You dig around it to discover that it is a human skull along with other bones. The coroner said the bones were modern as two of the teeth were gold and one of the front teeth has an "R" embedded. No foul play was indicated but I surmise it could have been the outraged golfer who gave his defiant answer to the player who approached and asked , “Can I play through?”
You’re on a British Airways flight from New Delhi to London in first class having a snooze when you are awakened by a commotion coming from the seat nearby which was vacant when you dozed off. There you see the cabin crew struggling with a corpse. They are propping up the deceased elderly lady with pillows trying to wedge her in but she keeps slipping under the seatbelt and sloshing with the plane motion. It seems she has died in hour three of the nine hour flight and there is no room in the crowded economy class. The woman’s daughter is moved to first class where she spends the remainder of the trip “wailing in grief. What to do? You seek compensation for the stress and inconvenience but the airline says, in essence, “We’re sorry, but get over it”. Seems this situation happens about ten times a year with BA. For a like event Singapore Airlines have installed special "corpse cupboards”. Did they ever consider playing “Weekend at Bernie’s” on the in-flight movie to put the passengers at ease?
He was just trying to cross the street in front of the truck in Paw Paw, Mich. while strapped into his wheelchair when the traffic light turned green for the truck The rig driver did not see 21 year old Ben Carpenter in it but the handles of the rolling chair got lodged in the grille and WEEE off Ben went for a two mile ride at speeds approaching 50 mph.. The driver disbelieved the troopers’ story until he got out of the cab and saw the wheelchair. Ben was unhurt but this sure give new meaning to “Truckin’ down on the avenue”.
You won’t see an aerial view of this chase on “Cops” which involved another wheelchair incident in Schwerin, Germany. Seems the operator of the chair was pulled over by the police for using the automobile road. They then discovered his blood alcohol content 10 times the legal limit for drivers. "The officers couldn't quite believe it when they saw the results of the breath test. That's a life-threatening figure." Since he was not in a powered vehicle the 31-year-old man was considered a pedestrian, and will not be charged with a driving offense but they are unsure as to what it will be. How about WWI (wheeling while intoxicated) or have him repeat 100 times “Bad boy, bad boy, what cha’ gonna do when they breathalize you?”
When a preschooler teacher in Malmo, Sweden nearly fell after stepping into a pile of dog poop her students organized a protest against the leaving of the litter. They made small signs and planted one in each pile they found. The signs say things such as "Pick up after yourself". Let’s hope that the signs are stapled to sticks at least higher than the poop.
And lastly, in Cheltenham, U.K., to shame dog owners into pooper scooping (to which the discreet citizens refer to as “dog fouling”) they draw circles with spray paint around the piles. When a dog warden finds a “foul” a red circle is sprayed around it. If it is still there after a week a yellow circle is added. After two weeks (it had to be a Great Dane) on goes a white circle. These markings make it easier to spot and therefore avoid.
One can only hope that no one mistakes these circles for a game of Twister.

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