8/29/07

The Four Horsemen of the Metropolis


Tri-O's Oddities, observations, and opinions
By Herb Kandel


You’ve seen them on TV. They are in an office setting with shelf loads of big books on the back wall. They are either seated behind their neat desk or semi-sitting on the edge. There they are wearing impeccably tailored suits, with color coordinated shirts and ties. Looking directly into the camera, no blinking, they tell you, with the sincerity of your most trusted lifelong friend, that you may be entitled to a cash award if you, or your loved ones, have ever experienced bad side effects from a prescribed medication or a surgical procedure. The same contingency offer is made for car accidents, DUI’s, workmen’s compensation, and social security benefits. All you have to do, if you meet the requirement and want to participate in the suit or litigation, is to, “Call the office of Getcha, Gotcha, Gone, and Goniff” (no real names used).
Sure, there are legitimate claims to right wrongdoing and they will wend their way through the judicial systems slow grinding process. But let’s consider some suits of the future that may be brought if the trend continues. You’re sitting in the chair at your regular barber shop. “Ouch!” He nips an ear lobe while trimming a sideburn. What male member of a jury has not experienced a slip of the scissor? Verdict for plaintiff.
That rolled up Sunday edition is lobbed through the air aimed at your driveway. It lands with a thud but trouble is that it also lands with a “YIPE” from tiny Fido who was lifting a leg on a bush when the paper missile concluded its gravitational pull. Who now is responsible for the vet bills and the subsequent rehab? Who fills the void where stud fees once were? Call GGG&G.
The plastic bag you’re lugging to your car from the supermarket is weighted down with a gallon of milk and yogurt with acidophilus culture when suddenly the side splits and the contents plop on your toes bruising a phalange and a metatarsal. Do you go after the check out cashier who did the bagging, the store, or the bag manufacturer? To find out if you do have a leg to stand on, who do you call?
The golf game is going well when the next drive goes into a trap. The nine iron digs deeper into those grains than you really wanted and kicks up a sheeting of sand. Your game partner, who is standing nearby contemplating his next shot, gets an eyeful of the airborne granules. Now the true test of friendship is measured. Does he or does he not seek the G4 for retribution? And just as important…….do you guys play the next hole?
Your wife invites friends over for a home cooked dinner which, as everyone knows, she rarely does as ovens in this house are considered an extension of the pantry with canned goods and snack boxes loaded on the racks. The steaks she let defrost in the sunlight on the kitchen counter stayed a tad too long and invisible bacteria went into population overload. All who partook of the meal came down with the same symptoms several hours later. No fun was had but the now ex-friends are contemplating a suit for the pain and suffering while the hosts are visiting GGG&G drawing up a hold harmless disclaimer for future guests.
You are typing the thirty page company report on the computer when it freezes and the dreaded blue screen of death takes its place, If you had not been saving your work as you were going along then it has all gone to that big cyberspace in the sky, “POOF”. You have to retype and recapture your thoughts. What frustration! Now extra time must be spent in finger jabbing keystrokes. Someone has to be responsible for this built-in system failure. Should it be Bill Gates? Microsoft? In the words of the immortal Rhett Butler, “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.” Some times it’s good to have the firm of Getcha, Gotcha, Gone, and Goniff fighting for you. Who knew?

http://www.baldwincountynow.com/articles/2007/08/29/columnists/doc46d4918b564ce395739873.txt