9/12/07

The list of ‘Not To Do’


TRI-O'S
Oddities,observations & opinions
By Herb Kandel

In days past we used to have a “To Do” or a “Honey Do” list as a reminder to do something: homework assignments, thank you notes to write, things to pick up at the super market, items to pack for your vacation, prescriptions at the pharmacy, dogs to reclaim from the groomer, etc. Nowadays it seems that a “Not To Do” list may be more appropriate for our own well being in this time of easy litigation, excessive caloric intake, wariness of people speaking a different language and color-coded terror alert levels. Here are some “Not To Do’s,” which may apply to some of us:
• Do not try to organize your closet as the clothes you wore last year have probably been visited by the Shrink Fairy. Regard them as keepsakes.
• Do not look for hairs on your head that are a darker shade of gray and hope they will propagate. Remember that Richard Gere, Phil Donahue, Anderson Cooper, Jay Leno and even Taylor Hicks have turned their silver into gold.
• Do not listen to your iPod in the men’s restroom and tap your foot to the music. That action may be misinterpreted as a “potty” invitation, and you don’t want an RSVP.
• Do not make a big scene at the restaurant when the server gives you a glass of water bearing a lipstick tracing. Just ask if comes with a K2r Spot Lifter (but don’t accept the apology when offered: “We won’t charge you for the drink.”)
• Do not agree when told “This will only take a minute” by a phone solicitor. Just tell them to “hold‚” and walk away for about 5 minutes.
• Do not ask “What’s up?,” to a person exiting a fertility clinic. Discretion is the better choice between the answer and a black eye.
• Do not call 911 if your dog hasn’t pooped in 3 days. Just check under your beds and quickly make an appointment with a EENT doctor.
• Do not put socks in the washing machine without first pinning the toes together. Which begs the questions: Why is it we never find the mate to the one remaining sock, and why does one seem to have more “socks” appeal than the other?
• Do not use as an excuse when stopped by a police officer: “But the designated driver never showed up.”
• Do not blame climate warming as the cause of hot flashes.
• Do not ask to see the green card of the person demonstrating hunting equipment.
• Do not ask presidential candidate Fred Thompson “Why did you shave your moustache, Dr. Phil?”
• Do not audition for American Idol unless you have a bad hair day, wear torn jeans, have little or mediocre talent and the chutzpah to say, with the utmost sincerity “I am the next American Idol.”
• Do not invite Martha Stewart, Rachel Ray, Emeril Lagasse and Bobby Flay to a “Pig-in-a-Blanket” cookout.
• Do not attempt to give your teen-ager driving lessons without first taking a Valium.• Do not volunteer for the office of Supreme Court Justice, when a seat becomes vacant, unless you like wearing a basic black outfit for nine months and really need job security.
• Do not wear a baseball cap backward or sideways if you are over 30. It immediately deducts 10 points from your IQ.
• Do not kiss a frog expecting it to turn into a handsome prince or princess no matter how “ribbiting” their plea. They are notorious liars.
• Do not fall for it a second time when asked by the nurse to disrobe when getting a flu shot.
• And by all means do not store Preparation H near the Krazy Glue in the medicine cabinet. OUCH!
If you have some favorite “Do nots,” let me know.

Note: To all those who inquired: The seventh Wonder grandchild entered the world Sept. 4. William weighed in at 7 pounds and 20 inches long.

http://www.baldwincountynow.com/articles/2007/09/14/columnists/doc46ea8e0963823145743180.txt