7/23/08

Porkey’s flight plight

TRI-O’s:Oddities, observations & opinions
By Herb Kandel



Now I’m not a person who thinks of Charles Darwin very often; in fact, hardly ever. However, last week the renowned English naturalist played a pivotal part in a seemingly totally unrelated domestic event. Here is how this scientist’s theories entered into a kitchen conversation.

My BH (Better Half) asked during our evening meal, “Honey, please pass me the spritz Asian salad dressing; and by the way the hose connection on the outside faucet is leaking and probably needs a new washer.”“Sure. I’ll take care of it tomorrow,” I said chomping a chicken leg.

“Promise? Last time it took you two weeks before you got around to replacing the broken gate hinge”
“Yes, but it was done. I always take care of things like that, don’t I? ” I said trumping her, I thought.

“Sure you do — just like pigs fly.”

I stopped in mid-chomp and that’s when Darwin came to mind.“Do I detect a note of sarcasm? And, incidentally, what makes you think pigs can’t fly just because they don‘t do that now?”

“What do you mean by that, Sherlock?” she asked as her eyes rolled heavenward, for she knew something profound was about to be launched from these lips, which speak but truth. Oh, before I forget, she calls me by that facetious name, Sherlock, when I’m about to give my take on a subject.

I handed her the spritz bottle and proceeded.“Well according to Darwin’s theory of adaptation, over the course of time species modify in ways that permit them to succeed, reproduce and thrive in their environment. Natural selection gives to the individual that adapts the better chance to survive, under particular environmental conditions, than others of the same species that do not adapt.”

“Pray tell what are you talking about?”

“For instance there were short- and long-necked giraffes, and through a string of mutations those giraffes with the long necks were able to feed on the taller trees foliage, while those with shorter necks could not. This eventually led to the disappearance of the giraffes with shorter necks, which died of poor nutrition, leading to starvation and fewer offspring. Darwin believed the purging of unfit individuals was the survival of the fittest and thus new and improved species evolved in new environments.”

“So you’re telling me that pigs will fly someday?” she added a “Ha!”

“It could very well be. Now think of what may happen if global warming took hold and the waters rose to cover more land area. Through adaptation over many generations man may develop more pores on the skin surface to dissipate perspiration; they may have three nostrils to breathe in more oxygen; webbed toes and fingers would aid in getting around in the surrounding water. Because of there being less land and fewer farms, those who have mastered deriving nutrition from algae, plants, grass and perhaps even tree bark will fare better than those who can only survive on meat, poultry and dairy products.
“New generations, with all the technical electronic communications, will have developed a double set of thumbs on each hand, a small pointy one to text message on the tiny keys, and the other strong elongated ones for acrobatic pole dancing and for holding on to the arms of the zooming jet chairs. Ears will be thicker, and everything audio will be louder as heavy rock bands will have destroyed the human hearing of delicate tones.”

Now for the clincher. I proceeded.“Animals such as swine will not be able to compete with humans for the scarce grain and other silage products that humans will then eat, so the pigs that survive will be those porkers who learn to eat high off the bog (so to speak), they will have to either grow tall, turn hooves into claws to learn to climb, or grow wings to get to the lofty edibles.
“So you see, in the future, pigs — according to Darwin — may someday fly. I rest my case,” I smiled smugly.
“Well, isn’t that all great to know” she stated. “Just get the washer for the hose before I make you sprout angel wings. And you can take out the trash while you’re at it, Sherlock.”

Th, th, th, that’s all folks!!
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Note: For those folks who e-mailed and called about the cryptic initials on the time travel chair in the last column concerning the 4th of July. The “HGW” referred to H.G. Wells the author of “The Time Machine”